Uncategorized

I will never let myself go!

I think at any age we can get in a rut. But I know for me my forties were really hard. I was working a lot of hours and found it so much easier to just let myself go. Meaning…I stopped wearing make-up, pulled my hair back in a pony tail and off to work I went.

It wasn’t until I was going through my divorse from my marriage that I realized that I had somehow lost myself along the way. I guess you could say I became a plain Jane.

One day last year at the age of 49 I made a promise to myself to treat myself better by treating myself to treats. The first treat, was getting my nails done. Then I decided to make a commitment to wear start wearing makeup daily. I did this for me. Because for some reason when I wear makeup, if feel attractive and better. And I make an effort to dress in a way that I feel sexy and attractive.

Once I started being good to myself, I started realizing I was getting looks and men noticing me, which of course is great for the ego.

But the main thing is I feel good about myself…

So I made a promise to myself…I will never let myself go again…I deserve to be dressed up and feel attractive.

Sexless Marriage

You Can Survive Sexless Marriage

ID-10034198One of the biggest secrets that people in Midlife is that often the marriage has changed over the years. Let’s face it as we get older, our needs and wants change. And often those needs are different for our spouse.

The secret that many couples in midlife’s live with is Living in a Sexless Marriage. And there are many reasons this can happen. Often a sexless marriage happens when one spouse loses the desire to have sex. And often the other spouse feels unattractive. The lack of sex can really put a strain on a marriage. I mean think about how it would make you feel if your own husband or wife didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Here are some of the reasons why people stop having sex after years of marriage as well as some solutions that may work to help you wake up the intimacey.

  • Boredom
  • Menopause
  • Lower sex drive or erectile disfunction
  • Affairs
  • Lack of Communication
  • medical problems
  • Stress

Boredom in the Bedroom: Often after many years of a happy marriage we become lazy when it comes to intimacy and sex. You need to keep the excitement going in your marriage but not ever taking your partner for granted. And don’t be afraid to spice it up. Let your spouse know that they are the sexiest person in your life. And even if you would rather be doing something else, be sure to take the effort to be romantic and make sex fun for both of you. Don’t let it get boring and don’t let it stop.

Menopause: As a woman who is going through menopause myself I want you to know that I think sometimes we use it as an excuse to not have sex. Yes I know menopause can cause you to not feel as good or to have vaginal dryness. But there are creams and medications you can try to overcome this.

Lower Sex Drive or Erectile dysfunction: Our bodies change as we age and often this causes a lower sex drive or problems with vaginal dryness in women or erectile dysfunction in men. The good news is that often these problems can be fixed with a simple talk with your doctor. Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor that you sex drive is low or non existence. They can help.

Lack of Communication: I think this is the major reason why most couples stop having sex. They are afraid or don’t want to take the time to let their partner know what their needs are. If you want sex, tell your partner. They can’t satisfy your needs unless you tell them.

Affairs: Sadly affairs can happen during midlife when one partner withholds sex from the other partner. Sexual intimacy is a human need that we all need to fulfill. when the person who you love the most withholds this, it can be a temptation to get to needs fulfilled elsewhere. I’m not saying this is right or a solution. But by communicating with your spouse you can figure out the best solution.

Medical Problems: Many people lose their desire for sexual intercourse due to an illness. But keep in mind often there are other ways you can satisfy your needs for intimacy with your spouse. You doctor may also have some ideas for you as well.

Stress: Midlife is a very stressful time and this can put a lot of strain on your sex life. Often people will tell their partner they are just too tired to have sex. But actually sex is the best reliever of stress. Perhaps you can give each other back rubs or baths. Don’t let stress keep you from connecting in bed.

You can survive in a sexless marriage but you need to be willing to do the work. Open the lines of communication and don’t be afraid to do something different. If you love your partner you can find a way to bring intimacy back into your marriage.

One final point….If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. The more sex you have the more you will want it.

Please share your thoughts on living in a sexless marriage.

 

Middle Age Challenges, Uncategorized, Women's Issues

I Choose To Be Happy. Do You?

Okay, let’s face it. There is a lot of crazy thinks going on with those of us in midlife. I know for me, I have all kinds of crazy things going on with my body. My body seems to have a life of its own.

And my life feels as if it is so out of control. Because there is a new normal in my life. I know for me, my children are growing up and not needing me so much. And for many of us, our finances are not where we would like them to be. Many of us will not have retirement or have lost jobs. We are living in hard economic times. And mid-lifer’s are feeling the strain.

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I Choose To Be Happy:

But we have a choice in how we want to accept that we are aging. And we can choose to be happy even during the really trying times. Yes we are aging. But so is everyone else and there is little we can do to stop it. So we need to just accept it.

I don’t know about you, but I find it really hard to believe that I am 49 years old. I mean I feel like I’m much younger. Where did the time go?

Sometimes it is easy to let all of the challenges in a normal life of a baby boomer get you down. But you could chose to embrace the changes.

I learned a long time ago that I am the only one who can make me happy. I mean, yes, people and things can make me smile. But only I can choose to be happy. And I choose it for myself.

When you choose to be happy for yourself it is a form of courageousness, I think. It means that you are strong and up to the challenge. Let’s face it. It can be hard to find a reason to be happy. But the reasons are there if you look for them.

When I first think about my body, my thoughts are negative…

I could easily look at my body and see the wrinkles around my eyes and lips. And I have stretch marks on my breasts and hips. And I have a bit of a tummy. It was at one time nice and flat.

But I can change how I feel about my body…

Then think about how amazing this body really is. It carried three healthy children each for nine months. That is really amazing if you think about it. It is a miracle. And my body never complained. Not one time.

I love my body…

And my breasts are may not be a perky as they once were, and they now have stretch marks. but they are beautiful to the man who loves me. The look in is eyes when he touches me is so full of love.

I love my body…

My wrinkles next to my eyes and mouth are there because of years and years of smiles. I love to smile. Okay, so I have wrinkles. They make me look mature. I think. But these wrinkles are from years and years of smiling. I think I earned these wrinkles. I will wear them like a badge of honor.

I love me!

And my 49 year old soul is happy too. I am so happy and proud that I raised 3 terrific young adults. They turned out perfectly. And are now going to live happy lives. I must have done a good job.

And so,

I choose to be happy. Do you?

 

 

Creating Happiness, Women's Issues

Two Huge Reasons To Meditate in Midlife

One of the nicest things about midlife is that I have much more time to myself. Yes, I miss all the activity but I enjoy the quiet as well. I’ve been using the time for myself to be nice to myself. I have been able to really spend some time meditating and reflecting on my life.

ID-100114092Meditation does two important things for me:

Meditation is Calming

First meditation helps to slow down all the chatter in my mind and calm me down. Which is what I need to keep me stress free. I am a pretty hyper person anyway, but when you add the fact that throughout my day there is lots of activity. I work in the mall so there is always music playing and people running around.

And with technology, it seems that there is always a phone ringing, or a television playing. There is always chatter going on.

I find it really calming to simply unplug from technology and the humans around me and just enjoy the silence. Quiet is calming for me. Meditation and just being in the quiet is a huge stress reliever. There is simply nothing like it.

Knowing

You may have heard people say that all the answers are within. And for me it is so very true. When I meditate and slow down all the chatter in my mind, I get this “knowing”. I don’t know how to explain it other than saying often if I am having a problem, a solution will come to me through or after meditation. It is amazing what you can solve when you meditate.

It is like all the answers are within you, but you can’t here the answers until you quiet down all the chatter in your world. Silence brings answers to problems. It is really neat getting the answers.

Meditation is easy…

If you have never meditated you may be thinking it is very difficult to do. It is actually much easier than you may realize. I generally meditate in my recliner, I sit back and relax my body. I focus on each body part starting with my toes and work my way up my body until I am relaxed. Then I visualize a white light surrounding me. Then I usually feel all nice and warm and relaxed. Then I ask the universe what I need to know. I don’t try to think or even listen. I just let myself just be. And I always end up getting the answers that I need in my life at the moment.

But early on I simply found meditation really difficult. I couldn’t let myself go. I couldn’t relax. So I did Guided Meditation. I found listening to audio tapes of guided meditation helped me learn how to relax enough to let go. I highly recommend meditation to anyone but especially those going through the stresses of midlife.

Here are some of my recommendations:

Best Guided Meditation Audio CD’s:
Guided Meditations: For Calmness, Awareness, and Love

Guided Imagery CD Relaxation Meditation For Difficult Times

The Calming Collection – Goodbye Worries. ** Guided meditation to train your mind to quiet your thoughts – Train your mind to quiet your thoughts CD – Hypnotic Guided CD **

PS. What is your experience with meditation? Do you meditate?

Middle Age Challenges, Women's Issues

Learning to Love Myself….Yes, I’m beautiful

At one time when I was young I was what people would call pretty. I had beautiful long thick hair and a nice slim figure. I felt attractive too and the men would turn their heads to look my way.

Then after I got married and began to have children, I began to put on weight. And it seemed like I never had time to take care of myself. I was always taking care of the family, running here and there. Being the perfect Mom and Wife.

Somewhere along the line, I forgot to take care of me.

And then I found myself in my forties. I looked in the mirror and saw a tired looking lady. My face looked so stressed and tired. And my body, forget it. I was wearing a size 14 witch actually is pretty average, but boy I felt huge. My breasts are no longer perky. No, they sag way too much. And how come I didn’t notice the wrinkles on my neck. This is what they call aging.?

How did midlife get here so quickly?

I was going through some problems in my marriage and was feeling down when I decided to simply be happy. I think happiness is a choice. So I decided that I would focus on the positive and stop caring so much how I look.

And I made a decision to make a real effort to smile more often. And I would make a big effort to relax and not worry about things that I have no control.

Then the most amazing thing happened. I started feeling better. I was happier. And I noticed that I would smile without even trying.

And people around me started to smile more as well.And I started attracting positive people into my life.

And now when I look in the mirror. I see an older woman who has lots of wisdom and a great smile. I see me and I’m beautiful.

If you are middle aged like me, and not happy with what you look like. Take some time right now to really see what you look like. I hope you realize you are beautiful!

Creating Happiness

My Decision to Stop Watching Too Much TV

When I think of Midlife I look at it as the second better half of my life. I mean okay the first half was awesome. I had 3 terrific kids and many wonderful memories. But in the second half I am going to create an amazing life.

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image courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

I believe that the life we have good or bad is a choice. And I choose to live my life to the fullest. I know I want to enjoy every moment living my life exactly as I want. And I’m not going to waste time on things like watching TV.

Over the years, I realized that one of the surest ways for me to get depressed was to watch the news. So I stopped watching the news a few years ago and I discovered that I really don’t miss anything. When something major happens, people always let me know. And really, what can I do to stop all of the killings and bad things that happen. For me, living in Baltimore, the evening news is nothing but negative things. And it is certainly the last thing I need to hear about before going to bed.

But I’m going to really shut down the TV and focus on really living my life.

Yes, I have a TV in the house and I think it is fine to watch an occasional television show or movie. But when I look at some of my older friends who seem sad and lonely, I look at their life. And sadly it seems that their number one activity is sitting and watching television. I know some unhappy people who watch TV from morning until bedtime.

I don’t want that. I’m sure I must have a great purpose.

I want to live my own life, rather than be in the life experience of a fictional character. I think over the years, I watched way to much TV and tool television shoes way to seriously.

So I have made a commitment to only watch 2 hours of television a day. I know this may still seem like a lot to most people but over the years (I’m embarrassed to admit) that the tv would go on first thing in the morning and stay on all day long until bedtime.

What will I be doing instead? I’ll be doing things that bring me real joy. I’ll be taking walks, writing, reading and hanging out with good people who have positive energy.

Midlife Divorce, Online Dating

How I Met Someone Online

This post is going to be a little hard to write…

But I feel like it will help others so I feel the need to share it with you. And maybe you can help me figure things out as well…

I am sitting here with my morning coffee listening to the rain and the cars passing by my house. I just turned off Skype and said goodbye to a man who is halfway around the world.

He said that I should share our story with others. There must be others like us. Going through the same thing as us.

As I sit here, ready to pour out my heart to you I can feel my eyes tear up. I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. But it is a good thing I think. Because it means I am alive. And I’m feeling life happen.

My Story

Back in November of 2012 I said the words and I meant them. “I want a divorce”. I wanted to say those words hundreds of times, but stayed in the marriage for many reasons. I didn’t want to hurt the kids, I was scared of what I would do with my life. Thee were lots of excuses. But my unhappiness beat out and the words fell out of my mouth.

I expected shock from my family but quickly realized that my kids had known how unhappy I have been and my family supported me.

But leaving after 23 years of marriage would be hard.But I felt that I had slowly been dying inside. It had been a long time since I had been help or kissed. I was lonely and sad. I had tried everything over the years to rekindle the marriage but realized that I really didn’t want to rekindle it. This sounds harsh, I know. But I think when the love is gone, you both just know it.

When you are going through a divorce, there is many stages that you go through. I went through them all. I was sad and angry and lonely.

I was hoping to find someone who knew what I was going through. I knew there must be others like me who felt their life falling a part.

So I decided to do a Google search. I don’t remember exactly what the search was but I found a group where there were people who shared the same experiences as me. And I felt so grateful to have a place to vent.

On this site, I shared my story with the group and commented on others stories. It felt so good to know that I wasn’t alone.

Then one day I got an email from someone and I emailed him back and we began to talk back and forth. It was the strangest thing how I felt. It was like I knew him my entire life. I knew what he would say before he said it. I felt so close to him because he could relate to me. He was also in a sexless marriage. Although he was married many years longer then me. And unlike me, he felt that he had to stay in the marriage even though there was no love and he was unhappy. I could understand because I had stayed in my marriage for the same reason. But finally realized I had to get out.

I loved chatting with him. I felt like for once in my life, someone understands me. I truly considered him my best friend.

And he asked me if I would like to talk to him on Skype.

I told him no. Somehow talking to him on Skype seemed like it would give him the wrong idea about me. So we continued with the email thing but quickly realized it was tiresome waiting for the emails and I finally told him okay lets set up Skype.

So we did and I could see his face and hear his voice. I couldn’t believe how I felt. I knew if he was here with me I would melt in his arms. He was and is an amazing man. I wondered what was wrong with his wife. Did she know how lucky she was to have him. And the thought the same about my ex. Wondered how he could let me go.

And so we would talk and be shocked when the time showed that hours had gone by.

He lives in England and I live in the US. So often I would talk with him until 3 or 4 in the morning. Or I would wake up at 6 am to talk with him before going to work. It was complicated but we made it work.

I realized as crazy as it was I was falling in love with this man and he knew he loved me as well.

Which brings about many obstacles…

First of all, He would never leave England. He is a family guy and needs to be around his grand kids.

I’m the same way. I would never move out of the US. I need to be surrounded by my family.

Also he will not leave his wife… (and I knew this going in).

And I don’t want to be alone. I want to date and meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. (And he knew this going in).

We know we will never be together….yet we can’t stop talking to each other everyday.

I don’t think I have ever felt a love this strong. It is scary and sad. Yet I am so grateful to have met him.

So it has been 4 months now since we started our online relationship. And I don’t want to end it. He is such a special person.

Yet I know I am the kind of person who doesn’t want to be alone. I know I will need to eventually start dating.

And when I do, I will have to end it. And it will hurt him deeply and me as well.

But I am the type of person, when I commit to someone I can only commit to them. Even before I married, I never dated more than one person online.

I have decided that after the new year, I am going to set up a profile on a few dating sites like match.com and see what the universe has to offer me.

But I will always love my internet man. I will never forget the way he makes me feel. And he will always hold a special place in my heart.

Honestly, I think he was a gift from God. I needed a friend to help me get through a hard time and to feel alive again. He did more than this. He made me feel pretty and special and alive. He made me realize I am perfect just the way I am, even though I’m pushing 50.

Do you have a special friend or found love online? I would love to hear your story. Comments are welcome and appreciated.

 

Uncategorized

Why Am I Here? My Purpose

One of my biggest frustrations of being middle aged is trying to figure out my purpose. You see for years my purpose was to be a good loving wife and raise three terrific kids. But now that I am separated and the kids don’t need me, it is time for me to focus on me.

And I have realized that although I have been happy as I go about my daily tasks.

Honestly I am happy!

But I realize that I really don’t have a true purpose. I mean I work everyday at my job. I update my blogs, clean the house, do the shopping, pay the bills, spend time with my family. I go about all of the motions of my day.

But what am I adding that is only special from me?

I want to figure out what my purpose is. I feel a need to figure out what makes me really tick.

I think I have spent way to much time over the years focusing on making others happy. Sadly I sort of lost myself along the way.

So what is my purpose? Why am I here….now?

I think a persons purpose can change with age. It think things change as we accomplish things in life. Perhaps rather than focusing on trying to figure out what my purpose is, I should just focus on being happy and enjoy the beauty around me. Life is good and I think it is better to simply choose to be happy!

I’m not sure what my purpose is. Maybe it has to do with connecting with people through my writing. Maybe it is to help someone I haven’t yet met. What I do know, is that I do have greater purpose… A reason for being. And I believe It will become clear when I have found it.

What about you? Do you have a burning desire to find your purpose? Have you found your purpose as a mid-lifer? And if so how? I would love some insight.

 

 

Middle Age Challenges, Women's Issues

Stress and Women

Stop the stress!

Many women find middle age very stressful for a number of reasons. Often we still have children in the home or grand kids to care for. Many mid-lifers are caring for an elderly parent while working full time jobs. And there often isn’t time to work out.

The biggest problem isn’t all of the things we need to do and all the people we take care of, but finding time to take care of ourselves.

It is a proven fact that stress will hurt your health and it could even shorten your life. In order to be healthy you really need to change your behavior and take care of yourself.

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But really if you don’t find time to take care of yourself you are going to find your self burnt out or worse.

There are a few things you can do right now to start taking care of yourself.

1. Learn to say No or ask for help. I had been giving of myself so much that I found it really hard to simply say no. But to my surprise, my family was more than happy to give me a break.

I learned it is perfectly fine to take a night off from cooking or caring for the home. I would order carry out or let everyone “fend for themselves” and I would relax in a hot bath.

2. Schedule time for yourself every day. Make time to work out or take a walk or spend some time doing what you love and enjoy.

3. Feed your sexual appetite. Sexual intercourse as well as the snuggling and affection that goes with it is a great stress reliever. And I promise you, you will feel much better later.

What are some of the ways you relieve stress in your life?

 

Middle Age Challenges

Tips – Feel Beautiful and Young

Blue Toe NailsSometimes I just feel old…

Here are some of the things I do to make myself feel beautiful and young…

Treat Yourself to a Manicure or Pedicure!

Be nice to yourself and have a nice manicure. It makes you feel so pretty. Better yet, why not get your nails painted with a crazy young color? Yesterday I got a pedicure and picked out a bright blue. Sometimes you just gotta have fun and not worry about what people think.

Get Active!

Getting active really does a lot to how you look and feel. Start working out at the gym or taking a daily walk.  I have a friend who walks everyday and he looks 10 years younger than he is.

Sex counts and exercise and having good sex and connecting with someone is a sure fire way to make you feel young again. No one to have sex with? Why not treat yourself to a sexy pair of panties or a sexy nightgown. When you feel sexy you feel young.

Join a Group or Club

Join a group or club. It can be anything. But when you are a part of a group and interact with others it gives you a purpose. People want to hear from you and you also make friends.

Find a Hobby!

Find a new hobby. Is there something that you have always wanted to do but didn’t have time because you were raising a family? Now might be the perfect time to learn photography, sewing, painting…The ideas are endless.

Laugh til you Cry!

I believe that laughter is healing. And it feels really good. Watch some funny movies or do something that makes you laugh. Not sure how to get laughter back in your life? Then spend some time with your grandkids or borrow some ones kids and be silly with them. Playing with your grandkids is a great way to have fun. They are so much fun and are always looking for ways to entertain. I bet they will make you laugh.

What are some of the things that you do to feel beautiful and young?

image: taken by me. 🙂