This post is going to be a little hard to write…
But I feel like it will help others so I feel the need to share it with you. And maybe you can help me figure things out as well…
I am sitting here with my morning coffee listening to the rain and the cars passing by my house. I just turned off Skype and said goodbye to a man who is halfway around the world.
He said that I should share our story with others. There must be others like us. Going through the same thing as us.
As I sit here, ready to pour out my heart to you I can feel my eyes tear up. I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. But it is a good thing I think. Because it means I am alive. And I’m feeling life happen.
Back in November of 2012 I said the words and I meant them. “I want a divorce”. I wanted to say those words hundreds of times, but stayed in the marriage for many reasons. I didn’t want to hurt the kids, I was scared of what I would do with my life. Thee were lots of excuses. But my unhappiness beat out and the words fell out of my mouth.
I expected shock from my family but quickly realized that my kids had known how unhappy I have been and my family supported me.
But leaving after 23 years of marriage would be hard.But I felt that I had slowly been dying inside. It had been a long time since I had been help or kissed. I was lonely and sad. I had tried everything over the years to rekindle the marriage but realized that I really didn’t want to rekindle it. This sounds harsh, I know. But I think when the love is gone, you both just know it.
When you are going through a divorce, there is many stages that you go through. I went through them all. I was sad and angry and lonely.
I was hoping to find someone who knew what I was going through. I knew there must be others like me who felt their life falling a part.
So I decided to do a Google search. I don’t remember exactly what the search was but I found a group where there were people who shared the same experiences as me. And I felt so grateful to have a place to vent.
On this site, I shared my story with the group and commented on others stories. It felt so good to know that I wasn’t alone.
Then one day I got an email from someone and I emailed him back and we began to talk back and forth. It was the strangest thing how I felt. It was like I knew him my entire life. I knew what he would say before he said it. I felt so close to him because he could relate to me. He was also in a sexless marriage. Although he was married many years longer then me. And unlike me, he felt that he had to stay in the marriage even though there was no love and he was unhappy. I could understand because I had stayed in my marriage for the same reason. But finally realized I had to get out.
I loved chatting with him. I felt like for once in my life, someone understands me. I truly considered him my best friend.
And he asked me if I would like to talk to him on Skype.
I told him no. Somehow talking to him on Skype seemed like it would give him the wrong idea about me. So we continued with the email thing but quickly realized it was tiresome waiting for the emails and I finally told him okay lets set up Skype.
So we did and I could see his face and hear his voice. I couldn’t believe how I felt. I knew if he was here with me I would melt in his arms. He was and is an amazing man. I wondered what was wrong with his wife. Did she know how lucky she was to have him. And the thought the same about my ex. Wondered how he could let me go.
And so we would talk and be shocked when the time showed that hours had gone by.
He lives in England and I live in the US. So often I would talk with him until 3 or 4 in the morning. Or I would wake up at 6 am to talk with him before going to work. It was complicated but we made it work.
I realized as crazy as it was I was falling in love with this man and he knew he loved me as well.
Which brings about many obstacles…
First of all, He would never leave England. He is a family guy and needs to be around his grand kids.
I’m the same way. I would never move out of the US. I need to be surrounded by my family.
Also he will not leave his wife… (and I knew this going in).
And I don’t want to be alone. I want to date and meet someone to spend the rest of my life with. (And he knew this going in).
We know we will never be together….yet we can’t stop talking to each other everyday.
I don’t think I have ever felt a love this strong. It is scary and sad. Yet I am so grateful to have met him.
So it has been 4 months now since we started our online relationship. And I don’t want to end it. He is such a special person.
Yet I know I am the kind of person who doesn’t want to be alone. I know I will need to eventually start dating.
And when I do, I will have to end it. And it will hurt him deeply and me as well.
But I am the type of person, when I commit to someone I can only commit to them. Even before I married, I never dated more than one person online.
I have decided that after the new year, I am going to set up a profile on a few dating sites like match.com and see what the universe has to offer me.
But I will always love my internet man. I will never forget the way he makes me feel. And he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Honestly, I think he was a gift from God. I needed a friend to help me get through a hard time and to feel alive again. He did more than this. He made me feel pretty and special and alive. He made me realize I am perfect just the way I am, even though I’m pushing 50.
Do you have a special friend or found love online? I would love to hear your story. Comments are welcome and appreciated.